How does Francis Chan and his wife argue like Christians?

One of my favorite Christian authors is Francis Chan. He and his wife Lisa are authors of the book, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity. At desiringgod.org, Francis was asked, “‘How do you and Lisa argue like Christians?’ Some readers of the book will be surprised that he and Lisa have conflict — but of course, married couples won’t be too surprised; we all do at some point. So when it comes to verbal conflicts and disagreements, what is a core lesson you have learned about how to argue with your spouse in a way that honors Christ?”

Yes, Lisa and I argue. Honestly, we don’t argue that much, because we realize we don’t have time for this. We are on a mission. There is a TV show called The Amazing Race, where couples are racing to get to this finish line, and they are competing with other couples. But you see certain ones fight, and they start losing ground, and they argue with each other and lose the race.

Hindered Prayers

And we look at our lives very much like that, like there are things for us to do and we are here to seek his kingdom. We are here to make disciples. And if we spend our time just fighting with each other, it’s going to keep us from his mission. And so one of the ways we fight is always realizing: “OK, divorce isn’t an option, and also we don’t have a lot of time to argue about petty things, because we are dealing with eternal things.” And so we keep that in our minds.

First Peter 3:7 comes to mind where it tells us: “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” If I don’t do this right, God is not going to listen to my prayers. And I have got to have him hear my prayers. That is the most important thing in my life. And so, I need to treat her as a daughter of God. I need to honor her as we speak.

God Opposes the Proud

And the biggest word I could say is humility. I mean, that is what causes all of this, right? A lack of humility.

The goal is becoming like Jesus. And the goal is not winning an argument; it is pleasing Christ, becoming like Christ. And most of the time, the person who “wins the argument” is usually the one who acts least like Jesus. And so, we keep that in mind: that God opposes the proud. And so I could win this argument, in a sense. But if I do it in arrogance, now, suddenly, I have got God opposing me. So what did I win? I am a loser at that point, so it is like: OK, humble myself. Treat her like God’s daughter and remember that we have got things to do for the kingdom.

We cannot waste our time arguing about things that are not eternal. So, let me humble myself. If it is not a big deal, then just let it go. Let her have her way. There are more important things to focus on.

Francis shared some powerful principles for how married couples, and anyone in a relationship, can live in unity. Your spiritual enemy wants to sabotage your relationships. Please be aware that it is a spiritual battle (Ephesians 6:10-18) and don’t let the devil get even a foothold in your life. Thankfully Jesus has called us to be More than Conquerors (Romans 8:37) and He will equip you to be an Overcomer. Don’t live in defeat; live in Victory!

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This Sunday, July 12, we will continue our series, “Home Improvement,” at the 10:35am worship service with “Relationships: Take Out the Trash” (Ephesians 4:31-32). Please invite someone to join you in the building or online for the Live broadcast on either Facebook (Honolulu AG) or our YouTube channel (Honolulu Assembly of God). We Livestream every Sunday to both locations and would love to have you join us!

The 2026 Hawaii District Men’s Conference is this Friday night and Saturday morning at First Assembly of God (Red Hill). Join with men from all across Oahu and neighbor islands to worship the Lord and grow in Him. Boys under 14 years of age are free. All others are $25. Register today at hawaiiaog.com. Please let me know if you are interested in attending.

Aloha and Aloha ke Akua!